My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
