Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
