I cannot find my penis.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
