Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
