I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
