you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
we made out on top of his cat.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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