i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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