yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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