You made me cry and you don't even care
What a fucking waste of an outfit
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
