I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
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