It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
