I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
