cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
