Michael Bay diarrhea
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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