Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Randomize
