I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I still have a little drunk in my system
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
