i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
