can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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