I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
