god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
