So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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