FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
