honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
