Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
