I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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