I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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