I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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