Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
