Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
