You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
