if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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