I think I just saw someone hide a body.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
