I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
