Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
