i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
