Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
