in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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