Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
