maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
how does that bad decision feel?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
