How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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