this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
