Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
