I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
