Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
