At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
