If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Text me some of your sweat
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
