how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
