I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
