I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
