In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
