I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
