how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
