I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
