This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
