I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
