Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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