you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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