My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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