oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
