your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
