I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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