You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
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